Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
