just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
