i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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