Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
