i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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