Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
