I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
