if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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