here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
