I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Randomize
