So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
