Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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