why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Randomize
