Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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