she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
