found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I have feelings that need drinking.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
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