he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
