So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
