What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
