i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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