I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize