so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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