Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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