how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
