so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
