Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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