3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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