i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
