was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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