it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
