When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
