Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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