When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
