You work out of a Hotel?
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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