What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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