I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
