Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
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