buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
