im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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