There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
