Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
