I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize