ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
