Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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