I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
