This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize