you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
