you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
