hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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