3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
