id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize