remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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