watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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