if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
