the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
