Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
