he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
