thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
