My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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