i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
