All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
