Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
