Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
