In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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