I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
