I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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