Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
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