The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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