Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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