i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
