Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
