i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
