the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
