he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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