I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
