all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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