Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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