She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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