she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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