you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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