WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Randomize
