she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
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