that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
