I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Randomize
