I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
