Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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