Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
