Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
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