I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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