Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
