All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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