What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
